16:13 - 2004-06-18
It's Alive!
Today, I feel like I remembered something that I had forgotten about humanity a long time ago...
It's difficult to put my finger on it, but I think I'd rather not try so hard. At last, I don't feel like I'm stuck behind a shell of uncertainty, or struggling to escape one, or to be or do something I thought I'd forgotten how to be or do. I don't feel like I'm struggling and failing. Like I've given up, or like that's all I have left. I feel like I'm just living again...which is all I wanted to do from the start. Just live. I've never necessarily wanted to be happy...or to be successful...I just want to feel alive, conscious and sure, in every moment and everything I do, wherever I am, and to continue living and seeing and learning and being. Existing for something worthwhile. A big part of that is...one must remember that one IS worthwhile. When you were born, there was rejoicing for you, in heaven and, hopefully, on earth. Not for what you would do, necessarily, or how well you'd pull it off, but for who you were. Your capabilities, and your existance. That's what counts. We're human...we feel...we try...we sometimes fail. We just have to be strong. Because a lot of trying and failing brings knowledge and understanding. Understanding of knowledge is wisdom.
That's part of why I want to live.
And humans care...some of them...the best of them. We have the heart to tell our children of the things we've done, and the things we've seen so those children don't fail in quite the same way.
Everything begins to sound quite simple about now, I suppose. Probably because I am wandering off-topic.
It's just that now...some part of me can breathe again. I hope it doesn't dissolve away into a placeboey falseness...But I still hope.
Hope, hope, hope!
I know someone who thought that was a less-than-wonderful last name to have. It makes me a bit misty-eyed. ^_^
I don't mind so much talking about myself today. I know I'm very small and probably quite easy to beat up, but still feel happy enough, real enough right now to speak like this. I could sing, could dance, could fly, anything! I've missed this so much *hugs self*.
Arigatou, Kouji-tenshi! Der to aiflo. I wish I could be near you now.
Spee-chan, I sorry I hardly speak to you anymore. I am bad and you may hate me. I have a really cool birthday present for you tho, and I miss you ^_^
Nel-Nel, you manage our boozefields and turtle-launching machine whenever I accidentally blast one of my organs out. Heehee. And I always feel a little better when I read your journal.
Little Doo-Doo...I just yelled at you because you didn't knock on my door, and I was in the middle of something. Lately I been bagging on you a little about the Rammstien stuff, when really not all of it is that bad. I have also been cramming old jelly beans up your nose while you sleep, but I don't think you've noticed yet. However, I can tell you still don't hate me, because you walk up and hit me, then say, "I love you!" in a cheerful voice. ^_^
Also, my Glow-in-the-Dark TV remote has been in the sun so long, it is now glowing in the light, and if it was dark, I could probably read with it.
Try not to be too critical of me, I know I prolly sound loopy. I've been skidding in the gutter a while though...I just feel like I've caught my balance again. Like I'm me.
(*Is gonna be severaly anguished if she has to retype this*);p
