17:11 - 2005-06-19
Spoo Hunts Robots and Goes to the Olympics
Record of Goings-On:
I must be brief, because I don't know how much time we really have. However, I must admit that this is the last thing I would've expected to happen. Little Doodoo...is a ROBOT.
I only hope there's time to explain...It started earlier today when I was talking to everyone in the family about what we should do today:
ME:Hey everybody, let's go Zorbing!
DEE: Zorbing?
ME: Yes! There's this big, clear-plastic ball with padding inside it and you climb in and roll down a hill!
LITTLE DOODOO: Isn't that in New Zealand?
DEE: Sorry, but I don't think we'll be able to.
ME: Why not?
DEE: Well, New Zealand is kind of out of the way, seeing as how it's on the opposite side of the planet. It would be too long of a drive.
ME: Then why don't we just swim?
LITTLE DOODOO: We can't swim to New Zealand, you idiot.
ME: I can. I was in the Olympics.
LITTLE DOODOO: *scoffing* Dad, do you remember her being in the Olympics?
DEE: Um...no, not that I can think of.
ME: *heartbroken* I knew it! You don't care about me! You don't even remember my triumphant acceptance into the Olympics! Me! Your own flesh and blood, in the Olympics!
LITTLE DOODOO: You were not in the Olympics. You're not even in shape!
ME: Well not now, but I was! Course I had to quit smoking first...
LITTLE DOODOO: Uh! Dad, do you remember her ever smoking?
ME: Oh you don't pay any attention to me, do you? You didn't even notice my anguishing battle with nicotine...
LITTLE DOODOO: I would've seen you if you had been in the Olympics. I watched the swimming and I didn't see you at all.
ME: I wasn't in the swimming.
LITTLE DOODOO: What were you in?
ME: The skiing.
DEE: *chuckling* So how is that going to help us get to New Zealand?
ME: It's simple. You two are going to swim and I'm going to ski behind you from a cord that you're going to tie around your waist.
LITTLE DOODOO: Oh, so you're going to make us swim.
ME: Well, if you were inthe Olympics, you could ski with me, but you weren't.
LITTLE DOODOO: Neither were you!
ME: Yes I was, Little Doodoo! It's not everyday that something like that happens. How could I forget being in the Olympics? *here I break into song* The world can be so cruel, the world--so mean! In the thrill of downhill sports and fighting nicotine! But when my battle was won, they let me in, to join the rest, to soar! In the Olympics: skiing with my team--We learned to laugh! We learned to cry! We learned how to ski!!--
*LITTLE DOODOO gets up and leaves the room*
*I stop singing*
ME: Alright, Little Doodoo, if you can prove that I was not in the Olympics, I'll stop talking about it.
LITTLE DOODOO: Okay. Well--
ME: Prove it.
LITTLE DOODOO: I would--
ME: Prove it.
LITTLE DOODOO: I wou--
ME: Prove it!
LITTLE DOODOO: I'm trying! I did not see you even once during the Olympics.
ME: You need more witnesses than that.
LITTLE DOODOO: Me and Mom didn't--
ME: Legitimate witnesses.
LITTLE DOODOO: *sighs* Richard Nixon and I were watching the Olympics, okay?
ME: Uh huh...*looking skeptical*
LITTLE DOODOO: And neither of us saw you.
ME: Well, you call Richard Nixon, since you're such good friends with him, and have him tell me that.
This is when all the weird things started happening: First Little Doodoo picked up the phone and dialed a number, and started talking to someone, but when I picked up the other phone, no one seemed to be there...She kept talking in a strange, deep voice about me not being in the Olympics, but no one was on the other line. Then she laughed a lot, which confused me, and she left the room so I went back to work. While she was gone, the phone rang and I answered it. It was Richard Nixon, so I ran with the phone to the bedroom to tell Little Doodoo, "Guess what! Richard Nixon's on the phone!" She was sitting in the closet for some reason and when I walked in, I startled her and she banged into the closet door. For some reason, Richard Nixon hung up...Later, while Little Doodoo was in the bathroom, the phone rang again and another strange person, who sounded kind of like Elvis would if he were a horse, left a message on our answering machine claiming to be Richard Nixon and also saying that I had not been in the Olympics! "That's a mighty strange coincedence," I told her, when she came back from the bathroom without flushing the toilet. "That a horse impersonating Elvis impersonating Richard Nixon would call out of nowhere about me being in the Olympics when we just happened to be talking about it..." Little Doodoo didn't seem quite normal when she agreed with me. It was an almost automatic response. It was then that I began to wonder if something was wrong. "Little Doodoo," I asked. "...Is there something you aren't telling me? Why is it that you never answer the phone when Richard Nixon calls?" There was a long, empty pause. "Wait...Why were you watching the Olympics with Mr Nixon anyway?...You weren't on a date, were you?" Her face turned red. "NO!" she replied. "I was not on a date with Richard Nixon!"
Then I realized: "That's why you didn't see me on the Olympics! You weren't even watching it! You were doin' stuff!!" Little Doodoo turned bright red and left the room in a jerky, malfunctionaing fashion. From the bedroom I heard a strange beeping noise, the one my phone makes.
"Little Doodoo?" I asked.
"Yes?"
"What's that beeping?"
"Oh...nothing," she replied in an innocent and somewhat forced way. "You know how much I like beepin'!"
"Oh...well then...have fun!"
A few minutes later the house phone rang again. It was Richard Nixon, but he sounded really sick...possibly drunk. I asked him why he was drunk and he said he wasn't. "Is that so?" I said. "Then where are you?"
"Um...I'm in the White House!" he answered.
I thought about this. "...but why are you in the White House if you aren't the president anymore? I thought you resigned..."
Then he hung up again. I said to Little Doodoo, "You're his girlfriend, Little Doodoo, you need to talk to him. He sounds like he's having some terrible problems, if you ask me." Little Doodoo nervously told me that Mr Nixon was fine. Then she said she needed a drink and went into the kitchen. She started beeping again, and said, "Beeping sure is fun!" when the phone started ringing once more. I immediately picked it up and said, "Mr Nixon, you need to talk to Little Doodoo." I picked up the phone base and moved so I could see Little Doodoo in the kitchen, but she was crouched down in the refrigerator so that I couldn't see her. "Hold on," I said to Mr Nixon, "Let me get the cordless phone." but as soon as I said that he hung up. I went in the kitchen as Little Doodoo stood up. She was not holding the phone, but instead an 8 oz. bottle of Gatoraid, and she wouldn't let me look in the fridge. "You're hidin' booze in there aren't you!" Little Doodoo has a terrible alcohol problem. Maybe she picked it up from Richard Nixon...Wait a second! Richard Nixon isn't even alive anymore! He's...DEAD!
--Unexplained beeping
--Long, suspicious potty breaks devoid of flushing.
--Crouching in refrigerators
--Hiding in closets
--Dating/calling/watching the Olympics with a dead president!
Everything was finally becoming clear! Little Doodoo is a ROBOT! She must be, because when I asked her, "Little Doodoo, are you a robot?" she immediately began denying it entirely and trying to prove desperately that she was human...but none of the evidence seemed conclusive to me. robots can probably pee just fine.
She was changing her oil when she went the the bathroom! Powering up her fuel cell in the closet! And probably storing secret robot technology (and booze) in the fridge! And communicating with Richard Nixon's ghost...In fact, I bet he was never human at all. He was a robot too, implemented to take control of our government! No one, not even I would've ever expected such a thing to be going on in this day and age right under our noses!
And to think: We'd never have found out about it either--not if I hadn't been in the Olympics.
