20:24 - 2003-10-07
Tales From The Fridge
This being the the first entry for October (I think), I figured I'd get right into the spirit of things. The story I'm about to tell may disturb or even frighten you, but probably not, unless your my mom. Most people will probably just think we're out of our poor, tiny minds. And they're right.
To make room in our fridge, we pulled out a big black box with an ice-smeared picture on the front. A picture that slightly resembled a pie. We took it out of the box and lo and behold! It WAS a pie.
I asked my dad, "How long has this sucker been in our fridge?"
"Not that long," he says.
"Yeah, I bet mom was still living here when we bought this," said I, looking on the box for date the pie could've been made.
I found the date. And you know what it said? "1997".
We all uttered an awe-filled, almost reverent, "WHOA!"
Actually, we were pretty shocked. But not for long! Because the NEXT thing we said was, "What do the directions say?"
So I preheated the oven, and crammed in the pie and we waited about an hour for this ancient pie to cook.
The buzzer rang and my Dad pulled it out saying, "Let's let this thing breathe for a while, I don't want to bite into liquid plastic," which is what I imagine it looked like (I didn't turn around to see). "It actually looks pretty decent," he continued.
And we waited somemore for this six-year-old pie to cool.
"Come get some pie," my dad says.
"Let's see about this deceptive, ancient pie. This thing has been fossilizing in our fridge since '96," I said with a laugh, grabbing a plate out of the cupboard.
"Yeah, but it looks pretty good, doesn't it?" said Dee.
And it did look very appetizing. I began to cut the pie. "Come, sir, let's endanger our health," I said, in an Olver Twist sort of voice. My dad returned. "Please sir, I want some more filth."
We ate a little of the pie, and it tasted rather good. "The age of this pie would probably explain why these cherries aren't red but kind of a sickly pink grey," I said, thinking about the color of the human brain. My dad told me that real cherries were about that color.
Lil Doodoo said she wanted none of our "Prehistoric Mammoth Pie".
"How old IS that pie?" my sister inquired.
I answered, "There are fruits in this pie that are extinct now."
"Yes, it was carved and melted from ancient frozen amber," Dee said. "The tiny microorganisms in it coming once again to life."
"Yeah," I said. "Watch this pie release some ancient disease into our bloodstream."
"Well, if we die, we will have at least eaten a tasty pie. This stuff is almost as good as Manwhich."
"We have to eat Manwich tomorrow, because we won't be here Thursday."
"No," Dad answered. "We have to eat Viola Chicken tomorrow because the fridge is full of frozen dinners."
And by full, I mean FULL. The fridge door will probably bust open in the middle of the night and vomit a pile of frozen food onto the kitchen floor. We overbought and now the frozen boxes are crammed into every crevace like books into an old stinky cold library.
This is why we ate the pie in the first place.
The refrigerator area isn't much better. I've had a huge craving lately for them, so I stuffed the entire produce drawer full of every conceivable kind of mushroom. It smells really good to me, but I doubt the rest of my family could ever possibly like mushrooms enough to enjoy this.
Work now begins on my Halloween comic and poster. Whee!
Last year Halloween went super bad. My costume didn't get planned really until the week OF Halloween. So I was a sort of disjointed Mime constantly getting face-paint in her eye.
This year, I've made it easy for them. I'm going as a shadow. How hard can it be. I wear all black. That's all. Paint my face, cover up, lose some weight, all I ask is some help in getting my garb together.
So it BETTER work out as planned (and it better get planned too).
Lil Doodoo is going as a Funk Wizard. It'll look great if it's done right, so we have to get out and gather up the beards and what-not before the other trick-or-treaters do. Wish us luck.
So now you've read all that! OO! Good job, you! Now for your little reward! You like fonts, no? Well here ya go!
Be thorough, and you'll REALLY be rewarded, there's a lot to see.
Later, gators.
