20:42 - 2004-03-10
Healthy Advice (Not Guarenteed to Bring Health)
I have the most incredible cold.
Colds are a sort of marvel in today's world. And of all nature's ailments, I like them the best. The Plague is cool, yeah, and Ebola's a lot of fun to say, but nothing is more familiar to the common man than the common cold.
Yes, I do regret saying common twice in that sentence.
I'm a bit sentimental when it comes to colds. They add variety to my day while still pressing the limits of my endurance with that essential pinch of trying misery. Mmm, mmm ^_^
I've always considered sneezing something of a rush, an extreme sport, if you will. I'm certainly no record holder (my personal best is only three) but I can't help but enjoy times like these.
This is by far the weirdest cold I've ever had though....
Okay, have you ever stuck the nozzle of the Whip Cream canister up your nose and let 'er rip? Just shot Whip Cream straight into your sinuses till it was fizzing out your mouth?
Even if you haven't, I bet you can imagine the amount of discomfort that comes with that kind of outrageous courage and ingenuity.
And yeah, I probably did that at some point. It certainly feels like I did.
My head approaches Pressure Explosion Level whenever my dad opens or closes windows in the car, darn him. And after a little while I feel like a hamster with a speed addiction the way my eyes seem to be bugging out. Also, my nose feels like there is construction work going on inside it. When it itches, I am forced to scratch it in a very desperate and spastic-looking way. Oh by the way, on a completely different note, please refrain from shaking hands with me, heh heh.
The oddest thing though, is the fact that every now and then my rib cage worries me a bit when I cough. A sort of lower back pain.
Why am I telling you this, you ask? Sorry if it sounds like I'm fishing for sympathy or any of that sort of thing, I simply marvel at anything out of the ordinary. This is like when you get into a car wreck and go "Wow! You do't see that everyday!"
Plus, it's really no big deal so far as I've noticed and with the amount I am coughing my parents will probably be whisking me off soon to a doctorino near you.
But more likely, near me.
Now if you wanna hear something really unhealthy, check this out:
Spee: Did you hear about the cross contamination?
Me: Cross Contamination?
Me: Nay I didn't
Spee: I did not spell that right
Spee: Oh well! Me tired
Spee: Soo
Spee: Apparently there was this pig mill (I guess that is what they call it)
Me: uh huh
Me: Yeah, that's what they call 'em I think *snicker*
Me: Pig Mills
Spee: And there was this mass murder. Who killed around 30/31 people right?
Spee: SOO
Me: what does that have to do with the pigs?
Me: I so confused!
Spee: They say that some of the human meat got mixed up with the pig meat. This means bacon might be...
Spee: HUMAN BACON!
Spee: orr.
Me: AHHHHHHHH!!!!
Me: Or perhaps
Me: PORK!
Spee: *like ZIM* HUMAN HAM!
Spee: I saw it on CNN
Me: Only the Jewish are safe!
Me: Luckily I only eat bacon when I am made to
Spee: ONLY ON FRIDAYS!
Me: Pork is not one of my major favorites
Spee: True
Me: However, I've alays wanted a taste of HUMAN!!!
Spee: I am more of a milk person
Spee: HUMAN!!
Me: Me too
Spee: ^_^
Spee: I'll try to find something on it
Me: just a moment
Spee: right o
Spee: AH!
Spee: Look here:
Spee: http://www.cnn.com/2004/WORLD/americas/03/10/crime.pigfarm.reut/index.html
Me: Uh oh...
Spee: heh heh I mean! uh.. oh blast
Spee: "it probably happened."
Me: Uh oh! That sounds official!
Me: *snicker*
Spee: YEAH BABY!
Me: awww man, I don't wanna eat crackhoes....
Spee: *printing this*
Spee: HAHA!
Me: that's what it says he was putting in there!
Me: USDA Certified and everything!
Spee: I know. Those from Vancouver are all grease, no flavor. *hand flap*
Me: P'shaw!
Spee : Like gag me with a spoon!
Me: Grody to the max!
Me: Looks like I'm gonna have to make a Diary entry tonight *sigh* heh heh
Spee: Yeah on your dweeb-machine!
Me: Haha!
Me: totally!
Yup. Forget all that stuff in the article about it being a secluded and local hazard, you just KNOW you've been eating human!
Heh heh heh.
My sister messed up her tooth somehow. So we went to the dentist. I got my teeth cleaned too while we were there, a sort of two-for-one deal. (My mom is a dentist, so we get all sorts of benefits from being in da fam'ly, ya know?)
They've come up with something new lately, instead of swishing with flouride, you NOW get a sort of mouth shaped tray filled with flouride-esque foam. Then put this around your teeth, making foam ooze out of your mouth, as the flouride quickly goes to work searching out all the vulerable new cuts from the little pick tool. If that thing hadn't been taking up my entire mouth, the bodily appendage I NEED THE MOST (ask anyone), I would've been tempted to ask the lady what this stuff is actually used for. I figured it was some kind of disinfectant, judging by the stinging, but then again, it could just as well have been for the soul purpose of giving me my daily dose of humilation for the day. After all, with my wide, panic-stricken eyes and froth-covered toothy grimace probably gave me quite a resemblance to some vicious animal that is either dangerously rabid, or really really dehydrated. It didn't help much that my head was stuffed with snot like a piņata, and therefore could not serve as the snorkel I so desperately needed it to be.
But in the end, they took the little foam tray out of my mouth and vacuumed out the offensive slop that had been in it. I got the chance to ask about the point of it and they said it was "vitamins for my teeth." Well, I guess that makes sense, and if it gets too bad, I only have a couple more years of it. Apparently after you turn 17, the government no longer requires you to be flourided.
Anyway, all visits to the dentist require at least a short stay in the Waiting Room, which usually provides you with lots of time to grow hideously apprehensive while you try to destract yourself from your mounting terror by reading what are usually even scarier magazines about dental work or cosmetic surgery....
Luckily, having grown up in the "business" as we lovingly call it (not really), I have none of your petty fears. I enter, sign in, make small talk with my mom's co-workers, inhale the sweet stink of sterylized pointy things, and park my hinder in one of those weird waiting room chairs, knowing that, based on the number of children that have probably wiped their noses on it, I will have to shower vigorously once I get home.
And then I do one of two things:
I get a hold of one of those highlights magazines and solve all the puzzles in it and color in everyone's teeth (yeah, that was me, teeheehee) OR I look around for something less destructive.
This time I noticed that there were some pamphlets arranged neatly on a table. And they weren't about teeth. And they weren't about drug abuse (if you're in high school, you know we see a lot of those). So I thought, "Hmmm..."
Turns out these little booklets, being about things such as "Anger", "Suffering", etc, various other topics of interest among people these days (in fact, I think the only one that wasn't in there WAS Drug Abuse) were written by a pretty smart dude. They were understandable, succinct, and best of all, scriptural. And to tell the truth, even if you don't have a problem with certain things, like Teen Pregnancy or Raising Children, or whatever, it's not a bad idea to read up on it and get a little bit of experience. Because you may need that info somewhere down the road.
So since there were a bunch of these things, my dad asked the nice lady at the counter if we could take one or two with us (What'd I tell ya? Benefits) and now, not only have we gotten to sharpen our skillz a little bit, but we have some quality to reading material in our bathroom to accompany my dad's usual stack of MOTORCYCLE DUDE 'ZINE and TRAVEL ZONE, which we mostly subscribe to so I'll have pictures to use in my many superfluous Geography projects. This all reminds me that we need to subscribe to Smithsonian.
So that, I think, is a pretty neat blessing, and I is glad it came my way ^_^
And while I know most people would agree with me, or at least resign to keeping the peace, if you just stumbled in here and you're one of those loud, opinionated ones: Before you leave annoying hostility-encrusted notes for me, just remember that this is my little plot of soil to garden as I will, and go pee in your own birdbath.
Oh! Heehee! Speaking of birds!
There's a commercial that I saw the other day while I watched this hilarious documentary about owls. And in it there were all these emus wandering around in a big city, so a man used his cell phone to call an emu farmer lady. And she put an emu on the phone to make this great noise and calls all the other ones really loudly in the city!
There's a long running thing with emus, I just think they're funny.
*makes emu noise*
Spring Break is coing up. Maybe when it gets here, you'll all get a nifty surprise.
Maybe.
Be good till I get back, kiddos!
