9:19 - 2004-09-11
Pseudo Cookie
I just got through reading one of my more soul-alleviating entries....
Hahaha, I am so melodramatic.....
If only I am not too melodramatic! If only I can stop this thing which I was never doing but thought I was doing, oh the anguish! To be a rotten, smoking, shell with no hope for progressing in life, with no hope for making positive impressions in life. Life in a moldable state, like your mother's pottery project, left foolishly by itself on the turny-stand thingy while she went to go get some crackers or something. And here comes melodramatic ME. "Oh....hello Mr Pot....*poke*....heehee.....oh that was bad....here I'll fix it *poke poke*....Uh oh....haha, lookit it now! teeheehee *poke poke poke, smoosh*.....*runs away*"
Yes. Step back Hemmingway: This is the perfect analogy for life.
And I make impressions in it with my grubby little fingers, and God's gonna come back and look at his earth and frown and go, "SPOOO!!!!"
Honestly, if it weren't so....well-written, I KNOW I'd delete it in a heart-beat. *snickers* Silly melodramatic me...I certainly hope none of you knew what on earth I was talking about....BUT ON A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT NOTE:
Did you ever do that thing? You know the thing I mean. That thing where you don't want to inconvenience anyone, but there's one last cookie? And you KNOW that one of them might want it, maybe not as much as you, but oh....it smells like baked chocolate and you go "Mmmm....cookie." And then you try to shut it up because they see that you want the cookie and they all want it too, but they'd rather give it too you. So they smile that disappointed, submissive smile that people smile when they give up something they want for someone else. And you smile that nervous, self-vinidictive smile that people smile when they have to take the last cookie because they just couldn't keep from drooling....Later, as they force you to eat your cookie, you simultaneously kick yourself for your lack of self-control.
For this reason, I always make billions and billions of cookies...then I run away so that I will not be the last one in there drooling at those cookies.
But wait....Oh gosh, what kind of monster am I? I left one of my dear dear GUESTS in there to deal with the Trauma of the Final Cookie!
Okay, so really this whole cookie thing has been a really vague analogy. But I hope you got the point. Stuff like this happens a lot to some people, not so much to others who are either glad to eat the last cookie or who just take it without asking and get that disappointed, kind of insulted look from people who are used to having to make you eat your cookie. I mean, come on, you Cookie-Taker-Without-Asking! That's rude! You've robbed those poor people of the privaledge of getting to cram bits of cookie into the mouth of their friend. Or Worse! You've robbed yourself of the joy of getting to do that to one of them!
You are truly a stupid stupid being, you Cookie-Taker....
Maybe this isn't always the case with cookies. But there are things that we feel obligated NOT to mention, simply because we can tell that someone else will be willing to inconvenience themself in order to fulfill our wishes. Oigh....but sometimes....when you really really want it (or think you do, at the time) you sort of.....you sigh or something. Then you immediately hate yourself, because you know what is happening, everyone has stopped talking and they are all looking at you, wondering what's wrong, why you sighed so desponantly....Your eyes go wide and you fake a yawn. "Oh I am so tired!" you say, taking another drink of your Frappachino, and trying to figure out why no one believes you.
You spend hours waging war between "Aww...but that would be so wonderful to have that fill-in-the-blank....maybe I'll just make a teeny little peep," and "Shut up you self-centered worm! They'll see through our guise of politeness!! Quick, offer the fill-in-the-blank to the others again, let's talk about how full we are again so that they'll not catch on."
And if one of them asks you, "Would you like something? Perhaps a fill-in-the-blank?" You see that they don't really feel like getting up to get it, but they want to make you happy becaue you've drawn pictures of the fill-in-the-blank all over your napkin without even knowing it. You notice this, and promtply eat your napkin and smile at the nice person. And while you reeeeally want it and you know that that person WOULD get it for you and you cant get it yourself....you still also know that they are...oh, let's say eight-months-pregnant. You don't want the fill-in-the-blank more than you want Pregnant Person to be comfortable, so you say, "Naw, no thank you," and smile politely.
Why does that nagging little want keep appearing? Why do you keep wavering between what is more important? Your desires or the well-being of others. You know what really matters:.....Don't you?
Now maybe you've seen lots of ways to solve this problem, lots of ssimple simple ways, but I assure you that most of them, if they were put into action, they would be fretted over for the next couple of weeks before something else came up to fret about...It is best just not to eat cookies and get fill-in-the-blanks. Then you don't have to worry.
But what if you wanted the cookie so bad that before you could do anything, the World's Nicest Person, even though they, um, have Leprosy. Yes, they are miserable with Leprosy, parts falling off all over the place and OH THE SMELL! Yes, the World's Nicest Leprosy-Ravaged Individual says to you, before you can react, "You'd really like a fill-in-the-blank, wouldn't you?" and they smile, as their lips rot off, which make their toothy grin look even bigger, happier, and more hideous, and you can't help but utter, in this moment of weakness, in your most quiet, quiet little voice, "Yeah, kinda...." and like that they are off and retrieving you your fill-in-the-blank. and your eyes go wide again and you start mentally beating yourself over the head with a cricket bat! "WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY couldn't you just KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT!?!" The World's Nicest Leper is still not all the way to getting the fill-in-the-blank, but you can't do anything about it now. You can't yell, "Stop, heh he,h nevermind, it's okay, really!"...because his ears fell off and he wouldn't hear you even if you did. Oh what a mes you have made, just for a stupid fill-in-the-blank....And you just wish he'd never gotten up, that you'd never said anything, that he would forgot for some reason and come back and sit down and continue the conversation, which you have no ide about because all this time, you've been thinking about the fill-in-the-blank and your moral dilemmas.
Maybe instead you should be thinking about what kind of weird people who choose to associate yourself with...Though...I suppose they are pretty decent folks.
Okay, I'll be a bit more reasonable. Perhaps this isn't as bad in your case: Perhaps your Eight-Month-Pregnancy Person is really just your dad, and it's not so terrible as the inconcievable Fill-in-the-blank....Maybe your dad is just asking you if you'd like a ride home from school, so you wouldn't have to walk. Maybe he really wouldn't mind. And maybe your World's Nicest Leper is really just a good friend or family member who has offered to get you a Coke or something. But still. You understand, right? The principles are still the same or at least slightly similar.
*crickets chirping*
On the other hand, maybe you don't quite see what in the world I'm talking about...
Don't sweat it; If you're confused: it's time for a cookie.
