9:33 - 2003-12-13
Fish Story
Oh yeah. That's right. A FISH.
Where'd it come from? The stars? No one really knows!
Well, uh, actually I do know.
See I was invited to this White Elephant party thing at church. Now lemme explain this complex and foreign concept to those of you who find it complex and foreign:
Everybody brings a present and they pile them up in the middle of the room. Then all the people at the party go in order and each person takes a present. As the order goes along, you can open a new present, steal one from somebody that's already opened something, or trade and probably some other stuff. Opening and stealing tend to be the most popular because they appeal to the human instincts to tear stuff apart and to ruthlessly wrench prey from the hands of others. The human needed these skills to survive before the discovery of the brain.
Well, the order was to be decided by the number that you picked out of this bowl. However, the people wanted your e-mail and IM address and when I heard that, I decided I wasn't too anxious for a present that someone had probably picked out from Bath and Body Works anyway. So, after absolutely no conference with my common sense, I ate my ticket-thingy.
And really it wasn't bad, although it was about all I ate that night, aside from a dry, bony muffin.
Now let's pause. Eating the ticket was a BAD idea.
For as soon as I was getting comfy and ignoring the cranky alien who doesn't want any of our pathetic human tickets, people began to open things that might've actually constituted for gifts. This was bad enough, but then Jessie opened a sombrero!! A SOMBRERO!
And I wiggled in the presence of its coolness, and the horribly truth began to dawn on me:
Now that I had no ticket, I couldn't have any of these marvelous items! I had no power in this place! I WAS NOTHING!! NOTHEEEEENG!
I would've been much more anguished about this excpet that something kept touching me suddenly under my knee. I don't usually drill myself to be prepared for that kind of thing, so when it happened I not only shot up about half a foot, but made a very comical sound. My companions were amused to no end by this, seeing how stoic I usually am in the face of tickling, so they continued to poke me.
Really, I've never been that ticklish, and this used to spoil a lot of fun for me as a child. My dad would tickle my ridiculously susceptable sister, but since I was immune, he and I played Grabby. Which is where my dad would try to hold onto me, and I would scratch and bite and scream and struggle to get away. That was quite a lark in the old days, but I can hear that muffled little voice telling me that it may not be a good time to get together with friends and try to escape each other.
And I wonder how my dad was never injured. It seems like there should've been a lot of Grabby-related accidents, and possibly even casualties.
And in telling you this, I'm only encouraging those with quieter muffled voices to tackle me one day in the streets and laugh with me as I try to tear them apart and escape.
All in the name of questionably tasteful fun, right?
Back to this party:
Well, I had been told in advance about the party, and I had decided immediately what I would bring:
A cockroach.
So I told my dad that I needed him to drive me up to the pet shop to get this roach. Now I know pet stores are terrible places that only encourage the existence of Larva Mills, where a mother roach is bred and bred and her babies are taking away from her and sold. I'm sure roach breeders hate these places. But we didn't have time to catch a roach, and I'm cheap and refuse to pay 10 smackaroos for something my dad'll probably crush before the night is out.
But the trouble is, Dad heard what I wanted to buy and said, "What? You're out of your mind! For a White Elephant gift you want to give a roach?!"
And I said, "Oh come on, it's not that weird, we see these things every day just about! It's not like I'm bringing the Seven Riders of the Apocalypse!"
Dad just laughed at my idea and said it "lacked serious judgement".
I frowned and told this to The Cody, who I talk with so often now that I'm beginning to think he's really just some very self-aware figment of my imagination. Which would be really interesting, since so many other people seem responisve to him and don't try to sacrifice him to pagan gods or frame him for the assassination of the president. That would be quite a feat for someone/something out of MY imagination.
He should meet Death. I sometimes wonder the same thing about Death, if he's really a person outside my head, but deep down I know the truth of both cases and am glad that my friends aren't at the mercy of my brain.
Cody didn't think my roach idea was too far-fetched! However, according to my dad, "Friends don't let friends give roaches."
So I went to the party, and do you know what one present had in it? Huh? Not a roach, something far better, or as my dad would put it, far worse.
A dead fish. Cleaned and headless. YEAH.
Now, you tell me if that didn't "lack serious judgement"!
I felt royally gypped and having eaten my ticket, I was consequently royally screwed as well. But this was a church gathering, so they gave me a turn anyway, and I stole the fish from the guy who had it. He said he wanted it, but I think he needs to follow his heart and not want things that amuse me so much. Most things in that category are either disease ridden or highly flamable...or both.
However, I still hope to somehow fit a roach into my holiday plans. One way or another.
My sister and I are two episodes away from finishing the EVA series, which means we've finally gotten to see Kaworu.
It's really quite a shame that you have to watch the whole series to really understand the amazingness that is Nagisa Kaworu, but now you have to, like it or not.
I've heard that the ending to the series is really unfulfilling and lousy, and that's from most people around.
But similar people thought FLCL was weird and made no sense, and...Well, I guess that's kind of true, but I don't think it took away from the quality of the show, heh heh.
But if it sucks, I can always go rent End of Evangelion because our Blockbuster has been upgraded and now carries more than just the usual American stereotypes.
We really need to do something different in our film industry. Something besides Sophmoric murder thrillers and college sex comedies. It's gettin' old. Old and gassy.
I think the Japanese were ingenius to come up with anime. It blurs the line between animation and live-action, allowing inexpensive stunts and action scenes, while also welcoming the eccentricity that only cartoons can allow. And the genre takes advantage of this impressively.
Exceptions can be made for Hamtaro, as always. I'm not really sure what's going on there, if it's a kids show or some really adult allegory or something or if maybe some guy just wanted to do a show about hamsters...
Granted the hamsters are cute, though, and I guess that's what really counts.
Oh yes, and there was a choir concert last night. I have to go to another today, because Mrs Menger wants us to be like a family and support each other.
Mrs Menger is like some kind of heavy-set valkyrie, setting down ancient laws and demanding they be followed on pentalty of death. And also singing occasionally. Menger runs the choir like a British monarch, so you can imagine how in-line we the students must be in order to escape her wrath and gain her favor.
Those who gain favor become like knights, only without swords or dignity, but rather with the rank of "varsity" branded on their souls.
And those, like our friend Mr Dhabolt, who wish to make a name for themselves in less virtuous ways, are brutally flogged, locked away, and later executed in shame.
And then they are dead and have no possible way of getting back into Menger's mind or back onto her Pleased-With List.
Dhabolt is more or less dead to Menger now, and this is because he threw gum from the balconey during a concert. The rest of the male singers are now subject to cleaning ALL the gum out of the auditorium, when none of them had any idea what was going on anyway. I assume this is to make sure the place is suitable for the funeral prosession next week.
But, before he goes to the gallows, I plan to thank Dhabolt to contributing to he cleanliness of our school. That auditorium has needed a good de-gumming for a while now. Poor stupid fool.
I've almost got all of my Christmas shopping planned out, now I just need to go out and execute the plan.
It doesn't do much good to show up Christmas day saying, "I knew what I'd get you, and it was really cool. But I haven't bought it yet."
Chanel is too violent for that kind of risk-taking. No, I must find a way of procurring all these goodies.
Ugh, life will be so much better once I can drive. Stress is something I've managed to cope with and leave wallowing in its humilating, muddy defeat, and responsibilty is a trait I doubt I'll ever have the memory-span to execute completely, so I'm pumped and ready for the fun part. The cruising around at night with the windows down and the CD player on, the sure-to-be fun-filled and error-encrusted missions to the store and what-not, the exciting dangerous stunts, crashes, and chase-scenes that all new drivers are so manditorally involved in. Yes, it will be quite a life once I can drive.
I'm gonna plug a microwave into my cigarette lighter and make cinnamon rolls, mmmm.
Yep. Can't wait.
Well, I've spent 2 hours here, so you'll have to be satisfied, you ingrates.
Ja ne!
